i have returned

i cant excape, xanga my love. there is just something about this for some reason i feel a little freedom to write. is everyone's attention now on myspace?? i miss being able to write whats on my heart, what im feeling, the good the bad and the ulgy. i dont even do it on paper anymore. i quess with my "position" i have learned real quick to push what i feel or think aside. cuz im not hear for myself right? its not about me.... right.   so i dont talk about it, think about it, write about it, wait... nothing happend. moving on.

maybe im just in a pissy mood, i leave my family tommorow to go back to fl, back to master's. dont get me wrong im excited. i love what i do, and im so thankful for the oppurtunity to do it. its just real hard sometimes.... sometimes i just wanna take the easy way out. live a "normal" life. knowing i would be miserable. damn here comes the tears. all the time im tormented by what lie's behind me. i try so hard to keep my eyes ahead, and i do good for awhile... that is until i get tired. when i cant carry it anymore. and im scared im getting to that point. i feel alone alot, alot! i just keep trying to tell myself that its not true. im needed, im loved, i have a purpose..... am i lieing to myself??? worthless me.... just hold onto god, he calls me beloved.... stinkin world and all you have to offer i freakin hate u.

so i quess i just brush it off, cover it up, grit my teeth, eyes ahead, and one foot in front of the other

i have been learing so much latley. alot about myself and things that need to change. i sure wish it wouldnt take me so long to get things through my freakin head!!! trusting people is hard, and sometimes it really sucks, cuz they will let you down, they will hurt you. but the benifits outweigh the bad. nothing is more valuable than relationships. you cant do it alone... i cant do it alone.

all my life i have tryed to stay in control. i think because things have always been so out of control, so it was my job to keep it together. to be ok. because im "strong". but after awhile it built up, and things became to heavy. i couldnt carry it on my own, but i didnt want to be weak and let someone help me carry it, so i started doing things. anything to cause pain. because it was a pain i could control. thats what got me through.....and people said i was strong. i dont want to let go, but i have to because the very control i desire is controling my life. it has taken over, now im so out of control i cant stop it. so im out of control. ironic huh

christmas break was amazing! i have never had so much fun with my family. alot of crazy crap happend, but despite everything it was very relaxing. i got to spend alot of time just hanging out with my brothers and sister. i didnt see my mom much though, she was to consumed with her relationship with scott they kept getting into fights. and we had to leave because he doesnt like us (he is jelous) and we dont like him. so she picks him over us. and for the few hours we did see her she just stared off into space and drank her beer, most of the time she wont even respond to normal conversation. she got a dui one night and had to spend the night in jail. and they also got into a huge fight and scott beat her up really bad, i have never seen her so bruised. she even limped when she walked. but i had to promise not to tell my brothers because they would seriously kill scott. for real. and that would just be more drama to deal with.

on top of all that, nathan is trying to get off crystal meth he has been on it for awhile and its killing him, even his teeth are rotting out. and he is all skinny and stuff. i hate to see him like that expecially with a baby on the way in like 2 months. her name will be haven ray kooken! how beautiful.... im excited. i just pray that god protects her, cuz she will be born into a really crappy family situation.

ya that sounds like alot and i havent even talked about the drug bust, prison time, the baby they dug up in the back yard, my sisters rape, her getting kicked out, and my bro living in a car, oh and the babys momma in 16. maybe thats everyting............

i love my family